1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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