I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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