for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
