if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I looked at my own cervix.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
