all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
