All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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