Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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