I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
