i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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