just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
