Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
