I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
