i need an iv and a liver transplant
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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