a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
