Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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