i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize