How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
