She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
