just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize