We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
