My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
