I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need to align my fucking chakras
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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