I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Can't talk, ducks in the car
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
