Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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