I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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