I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
