# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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