do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
