Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
