I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
