I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
