just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
