well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
