I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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