Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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