Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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