just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm too high and old for this...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
