I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Come see our sink grown plant.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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