I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
my penis made a compromise with my morals
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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