Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
