he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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