i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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