I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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