I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
