Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
