if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
