I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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