'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
