Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
