On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
