I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
