She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's blow job season.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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