me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
