it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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