i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
