i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
