the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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