fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
zippers are such a cool invention
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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