she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
