foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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