so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
