The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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