imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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